


lassitude

by annie_dot



Series: all I had was silence, and with the absence of your words, I took it as an answer [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Communication, Depressed Uzumaki Naruto, Happy Ending, Hurt Uzumaki Naruto, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-War, but no one loves harder and deeper than our boy nardo, i love sauce with all my soul, no one is the scapegoat of this fic, sasuke actually has a brain in this one, so much of that, they sort of have an honest conversation so, yes i am projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:53:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28440462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annie_dot/pseuds/annie_dot
Summary: For a few seconds, Naruto thought the ball ofsomethingthat had been constantly growing in the middle of his chest would suffocate him, but he dug his nails in the palms of his hands and learned to breathe around it.He went home and crawled into bed.orThey win the war, but somehow Naruto still feels like he's fighting something.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: all I had was silence, and with the absence of your words, I took it as an answer [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137674
Comments: 36
Kudos: 304





	1. first installment

**Author's Note:**

> This year has been kicking my ass, so as goodbye, i'm putting all my issues into a fic like respectable adults do
> 
> TW: description, though not very graphic, of panic attacks
> 
> also a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/69fcSolohZXKu9n6VOQytT?si=fnnfnRh7T_e2wFXE7a5s1w) i made with songs i listened to while writing this.
> 
> Enjoy!

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Life after the war was busy.

When he had been away training, or on the run, or doing anything else but staying in Konoha, Naruto hadn't even thought about how much work goes into preparing for a war and then into rebuilding.

That's what Shikamaru had called it.

Rebuilding.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Baa-chan spent a total of 8 days in the city after they got back. Even coming back was anticlimactic. Naruto had imagined a parade, maybe, or a ceremony, a memorial for everyone they had lost. For Neji, who had given his life for Naruto. Instead, people just stumbled in, most of them heading straight for their beds. At first, Naruto wanted to follow their example, but he was filled to the brim with restlessness, even though he had been bleeding to death just a few hours before.

They took him to the hospital.

They took Sasuke into custody.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

They gave Kakashi-sensei two days to rest and recover, then they shoved the hat on his head, rushed through a formal ceremony most of the citizens didn't even attend, and they began the transition. Baa-chan did everyone one last favor and stayed mostly sober through the following week. Everyone was whispering that this was the smoothest transition of power Konoha had seen ever since the Second Hokage.

Naruto was still restless.

He spent most of his time in the tower, trying to be a menace. For the first time in his life, nobody gave him shit for it. Maybe it was the repercussions of having saved the world. He tried to get Kakashi-sensei to talk to him about exonerating Sasuke, about his role in the defeat of Kaguya. Tried to get him to at least think of unsealing the documents regarding the Uchiha massacre.

What was left of his time, he spent arguing with the council. He was waiting for the probation period to be over so that Kakashi-sensei to be able to give his first official decree as acting Hokage. He knew he had no lost love for the remaining members of the council, and even more, he had promised Naruto he will get rid of them. The people of Konoha needed to know that the evil hadn’t been started by Uchiha Itachi. They needed to know their government had betrayed them, and then the new government had to work to gain their trust again.

He spent his nights trying to sneak into the T&I to see Sasuke. He was always unsuccessful. He was hesitant in turning to Ino, and Ibiki was like a brick wall.

He wondered if the other boy was alright.

It was a stupid question. Of course, he wasn't.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He hadn't seen a shadow of Hinata ever since they got back. He had believed she would come to visit him in hospital, but she hadn't. Neither had Sakura, which was a lot more concerning.

Naruto lost the first two days after he was discharged running from fans, chasing Kakashi-sensei and trying to out-smart Ibiki. By the time he remembered himself, it had been almost a week since he had seen Sakura.

He tracked her down at the hospital. He looked through the windows, at the way she was still busy with the wounded, especially now that Baa-chan was working both on his prosthetic arm and on her last Hokage duties.

He figured he must be the last person she wanted to see.

It could wait.

He left without bothering her.

He ended up not looking for Hinata, and instead heading back for the Tower, to bother Kakashi-sensei some more.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Shikamaru had been as much of a ghost as everyone in his life. Naruto understood, he really did. All his friends had family to bury, then mourn. Some had inherited clan leaderships. They were busy.

It was just sad, he thought, that every day, nightfall found him, Baa-chan, and Kakashi-sensei in the Hokage's office, working, going through years of Danzo's manipulation and Jiji's naivety.

It also seemed fitting. Baa-chan had been pretty much on her own her entire life, mostly just having Shizune for company, but it only got worse after Ero-sennin died. Kakashi-sensei's last real friend, best friend, had just died, after being the one to almost kill them all. And Naruto's proclaimed other half was withstanding torture and interrogation on the other side of the city, while he was useless to help.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

The seventh day of being back found Naruto on an operating table, getting a foreign object attached to his body and tuned into his chakra pathways. He had expected to see Sakura, but she was, once more, absent.

He could hear Shizune going on and on about the technicalities of the procedure, but he tuned her out. He just wanted this to be over already.

When he woke up and was asked how he felt, all he could think of was unbalanced.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Baa-chan left the very next day. Naruto was supposed to be still in the hospital, but he didn't let that stop him from sneaking out and rushing to see her off. If that was all he could get, he'd gladly take it.

She frowned at him when she was him, but her punch didn't hold any real power, so he knew she wasn't really upset.

Naruto cracked a joke, ignoring the ball of _something_ appearing in the middle of his chest.

She smiled and called him a brat.

Then she turned towards Shizune, who was staying by the gate, holding Tonton.

Naruto stood by Kakashi-sensei, clenching his hands under the cover of his hospital gown's sleeves, and watched her until she disappeared from view.

Sakura hadn't shown up.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He saw her the next day.

They bumped into each other at the market, while he was grabbing him and Kakashi-sensei lunch. She seemed surprised when she looked at him, as if she didn't really recognize him. Then her eyes widened and he threw herself at him, hugging him hard.

Naruto laughed and put his left arm on her waist, stabilizing her. He still wasn't comfortable with using the prosthetic.

When she let go, he got to have a good look at her. Sakura looked exhausted. There were ugly, deep black bags under her eyes, which had lost all shine. Her hair was clearly unwashed and unbrushed, and her clothes looked days old. She looked two seconds away from collapsing.

He still smiled at her like she hung the moon.

'Say, Sakura-chan, you've been keeping quite busy, haven't you?'

Her eyes filled with tears so fast Naruto got whiplash. 'I know, I'm sorry! I meant to come to visit you after I got checked up, while you were in the hospital, but there were so many people, Naruto, so many people that needed so much help. I just never got around to it. And then it kept slipping my mind, and then I kept falling asleep every time I wasn't working. I'm sorry, really, you must have felt awful! This is my first free day, and I have to be back tomorrow, and I was just heading back to my parent's place to sleep, but I was planning to come later tonight, I swear!'

'Sakura,' he said, frowning, shaking her shoulders a bit, 'I'm not a kid. It's fine. You look exhausted, Sakura-chan. You've been saving people.'

She just dropped her head against his collarbone, and Naruto took the liberty to put his arm around her again.

'Want to crash at my place? It's empty so no one would question or bother you.'

She whispered a barely hearable 'please' from his chest.

His apartment didn't even deserve the title of an apartment. It was, once more, in a complex designed for low-income residents, so it didn't have lots of utilities, and those it had were very shitty. Still, Sakura fell asleep before her head hit the threadbare pillow.

He tucked her in, leaving a glass of water on the floor beside the bed, and headed back out to get Kakashi-sensei his lunch before he got cranky.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Another week passed, in which none of his expectations were met, yet again.

He hadn't seen Sakura since that meeting, and they had had no communication what-so-ever besides the note she left on his pillow, thanking him and promising dinner sometimes soon.

The rest of his friends were reduced to glimpses across Konoha, Akamaru's fur in the corner of his eye. A bug near the outskirts of the market. Blonde hair flowing and disappearing before he could react. The smell of cigarettes. A green figure going into the hospital. Chouji's voice somewhere in the crowd. A glimpse of hair so black it was blue.

No Neji.

Kakashi-sensei was completely overwhelmed by the situation, and as much as Naruto wanted, he had no idea how to help him more than he was already doing. But reading documents and studying the ancient laws of Konoha could only do so much. Kakashi-sensei was left to do the hard work, like arguing with the council, but in a formal environment, or trying to overrule bigoted decrees from the past, or trying to pluck Konoha from the clutch of corruption.

Ibiki still didn't let him see Sasuke, and Naruto didn't want to make Kakashi-sensei's burden even heavier by putting pressure on getting Sasuke out, because it had to be somewhere in his top priorities.

Naruto slept at the Tower every night.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Ino was the first to resurface from the self-imposed isolation.

She showed up one day, after those horrible two weeks, in the Hokage office, with a new haircut and new outfit, and asked to be given, as head of the Yamanaka clan, the leadership of T&I.

Kakashi-sensei didn't give her exactly that, but Naruto had half a mind her real goal had been head-manager of the Interrogation Squad from the beginning.

She hugged him before she left, and whispered a 'thank you' he felt was undeserving in his ear. He hugged her back, using both hands, and asked her how was she holding up. She shrugged, then smirked, and said her mother was beyond pissed she had to listen to Ino now. Naruto let it slide.

He didn't ask about Sasuke, nor did he make any requests.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He met Kiba, Shino, and Chouji for dinner two days later. Halfway through the meal, Ino and Sakura walked into the restaurant, and after many hugs, they sat down next to them.

Naruto didn't feel bitter that Sakura made time for Ino but not for him, because she made it up to him by pressing her shoulder against his, hand warm in his fake one.

It felt like being born again. It felt like coming home.

He specifically didn't look to his left, where someone else should have been sitting.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He caught a glimpse of Lee when opening the curtains to the windows from the office the next morning. It was long before he knew Kakashi-sensei would come in, so he followed.

Lee issued a challenge, and Naruto laughed. They climbed the mountain using just one hand, and Lee commented on Naruto's preference to his left.

'You should talk to Guy-sensei,' he said, serious as Naruto had only seen him once before. 'He is going through a similar experience, I believe. Even if you don't find common ground based on the similarity of your injuries, he will still have wise words to share.'

After he showered and showed up later than Kakashi-sensei himself, Naruto threw himself into work and purposely didn't think about Lee's words until the day was over.

He hesitated in front of the hospital, then he hesitated in front of the room. He was sure Guy-sensei knew he was there, but when he finally gathered up the courage to enter, the older man didn't comment on it, and he was grateful.

'There is nothing,' he said, with his usual dose of youthfulness, 'that can stop someone from their goal. You have shown that very nicely, Naruto. Do not believe your worth rested only in that arm. You can train more, work harder, and this foreign conception will start feeling as if it is yours. Work with it, not against it. Let it bloom with you, grow alongside you.'

Naruto left feeling somehow worse than before he came, and ended up at the Tower once again, digging into the documents he had put aside to review.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He wished Kurama was awake. The old fox always knew what was wrong with him before he knew it himself.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

When he made it home, after another couple of days, he found a letter stuck between his door and doorframe. It was from Hinata, inviting him to tea.

He was already late.

By the time he entered the teashop, she was getting up to leave. He was stumbling through apologies before he even reached her, but she only smiled at him, for once without blushing, and softly invited him to sit down.

They made small talk for a while, but she wasn't the one to carry the conversation, and lately, Naruto found he wasn't either. When silence fell, he started playing with the bandages covering his right arm.

'Naruto-kun,' Hinata spoke, eyes in her tea, 'I called you here because I have something to confess.'

He had expected this, was waiting for it, really. He simply nodded and gave her his uninterrupted attention.

'I had, for a very long time, harbored feelings for you.'

She looked up, and her eyes were solemn. 'But I think you already knew that. I value our friendship, our bond, but I have lived this possible future, Naruto-kun.'

He was suddenly hit with the realization that he had been Hinata's Infinite Tsukuyomi.

'I have felt what we could feel, given time. I have stood next to you as you accomplished your dreams, supporting you. Make no mistake, I will still support you, hoping you will do the same in return when I will try to change the laws of my clan, but having experienced what it could be between us, I think I would like to also experience something else. I'm,' she made a pause, thinking, ' I'm not sure I want to live the same life twice, Naruto-kun. I hope you understand.'

He did. He told her as much. He told her he will have her back through anything, and he will continue being her friend. He told her he was grateful she was his, too, and enjoyed the innocent blush that dusted her cheeks for the last time. It wasn't for him to look anymore. He didn't ask about the dream, and before they parted, he let her kiss his cheek, on the same spot she had slapped him during the war.

She left him with the impression she had somehow become much older than him overnight.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He met with Sakura once more, alone, to cry for lost ones and for shared trauma. They stayed on the ground where they had taken their bell test, so many years in the past. He let her hit him for almost dying, twice, she let him hug her for saving his life, twice.

When he walked into the office, he almost felt like before.

Then he saw Kakashi-sensei's face.

'They let Sasuke out this morning,' he said, and Naruto vanished.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He found Sasuke on top of the Hokage monument. His hair was longer. He looked fine, but Naruto had learned to stop judging based on appearances. He sat down slowly next to him. Sasuke was looking somewhere far away, outside the borders of Konoha.

 _'Of course'_ , thought Naruto. _'Why would he not? What's here for him?'_

Neither said anything for a long time, just sat there in silence, Naruto looking at Sasuke, and Sasuke looking at something that, once again, wasn't Naruto.

When the sun started setting, Sasuke turned his head slightly towards Naruto and asked, 'Do you have an extra futon?'

Naruto didn't say anything until they were in his apartment, circling around each other gingerly, getting ready for sleep.

'I'm stronger than Ibiki,' he threw out, aiming for nonchalance.

Sasuke didn't respond, and when Naruto glanced up, he saw him looking out the window.

'Konoha may have changed indeed,' he said. Then, he turned to look at Naruto, and for maybe the first time in their lives, the blond had the confirmation of what had that far only been speculation. Sasuke was tired. Just as tired as Naruto himself, maybe even more.

'He just asked me some questions,' he continued, turning back towards the window.

They left it at that.

In the morning, they walked together to the Hokage Tower. Naruto tried telling his brain that getting used to this was a bad idea.

He could see the way Sasuke was holding himself, strung like a bow.

It was a bad idea.

Kakashi-sensei just stared at him for a long time, as Sasuke stared back. Eventually, the Hokage talked.

'You have been exonerated of all crimes you have committed against Konoha, due to the part you have played in the defeat of both Uchiha Madara and Kaguya. But consider this your formal, and only warning, Uchiha Sasuke. You step foot outside the line, you're out.'

His tone was cold, and his eyes colder. Naruto couldn't understand how Kakashi-sensei could look at Sasuke like that, like they didn't have a history, like he didn't teach him the Chidori, a jutsu so fundamental to Sasuke. He imagined Ero-sennin looking at him like that and had to suppress a shiver.

Sasuke nodded.

'Any questions?"

'Yes, actually,' said Sasuke, which shocked both Kakashi-sensei and Naruto. 'Will I be confined?"

Kakashi's eyes seemed to soften, just a bit. 'No, Sasuke. You are returned to full rights.'

 _'You know what's coming,'_ he thought _. 'You've known ever since they took him in. You've known forever. You've always known. Brace yourself.'_

He still couldn't.

'Then I would like to request a mission,' is what came out of Sasuke's mouth.

'Yes, I was about to suggest the same. It would probably be, beneficial, if I may, for you to spend some time away from the city for the time being."

Naruto looked at Kakashi-sensei as if another head had suddenly sprouted from his neck. Was he actually sending Sasuke away?

'Unfortunately,' the Hokage continued, searching for something in the papers on his desk, 'the only available mission at the moment is recon and research in the Land of Water. Sakura will be leading a team of medic-nins down there, to pick up some techniques. Your mission would be to report on their different weapons and taijutsu styles. She leaves tomorrow morning.'

Recon and research? That was easily B rank, and he was expecting Sasuke to come to the same conclusion. It was sort of insulting, really, sending Sasuke to write _reports_ on weapons and taijutsu techniques.

But it wasn't what shocked Naruto the most. Sakura was leaving? And she hadn't told him?

 _'They are going to be together'_ a traitorous voice whispered inside his head. He silenced it.

To his surprise, Sasuke didn't hesitate in accepting the mission.

And so, the fates had sealed the future.

They spent the rest of the day hovering around Naruto's apartment. Sasuke couldn't sit still, and Naruto was plagued by a headache the size of Fire. He wanted to talk, but he doubted the other would indulge. Sasuke had taken the arm Baa-chan had offered, but they still had not discussed their fight or the conversation they had while lying there, dying. Neither have they discussed the tears Sasuke cried.

They didn't sleep that night, and morning came too fast.

Naruto walked Sasuke to the gate, where Sakura was already waiting, a guilty expression on her face. Naruto took little joy in how she didn't even spare Sasuke a glance before running to him and taking his hands in hers.

'I _forgot_ , I'm so sorry, it slipped my mind completely, oh Naruto, I hope you're not mad.'

In fact, he wasn't mad. He was scared. But it wasn't as if he'll come out and tell her that. Confess that he's scared shitless that both her and Sasuke will go on this trip and forget about him. That she'll become the next thing Sasuke looks at while Naruto looks at him.

So he cracked a smile so big it hurt him and hugged her before kissing her temple. 'Stay safe, Sakura-chan, and bring back lots of medical jutsus so you can help idiots like me who make a habit out of almost dying.'

She spat out a shocked laugh and tapped her forehead to his chest. She then let go and straightened her clothes, face once again serious. She was a medic-nin, second-best in the world. She was leading a whole team across several countries to get to Water. Naruto was proud of her.

He turned to Sasuke, but he had already turned towards the road.

'See you around, Naruto,' he threw over his shoulder, raising his fake arm in a salute. Then he started walking.

The rest soon followed.

No one looked back.

For a few seconds, Naruto thought the ball of _something_ that had been constantly growing in the middle of his chest would suffocate him, but he dug his nails in the palms of his hands and learned to breathe around it.

He went home and crawled into bed.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

The world somehow kept going on. Another week passed. He helped Kakashi-sensei with his duties, like some sort of unpaid unrecorded pretty illegal assistant. He didn't go back home after the day Sasuke and Sakura left. He figured Kakashi-sensei only thought Naruto showed up earlier and left later than him. There was an old futon hidden behind a mountain of laws that should totally be illegal in the storage room. Every night, after he felt he couldn't keep his eyes open much longer, he took it out. Somehow, his ability to stay awake wasn't what it once was. He felt tired all the time. Working with Kakashi-sensei, having lunch with his friends, reading documents at candlelight because the bright leds from the ceiling hurt his brain, he felt bone-tired, exhausted. He just wanted to lie down. But then he didn't anymore.

Maybe he was sick.

If only there had been one single medic he trusted in Konoha.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Shikamaru showed up out of nowhere. He didn't even knock. He opened the door, walked in with that same lazy stroll, and said, 'Sorry I was late. What are you working on?'

Kakashi-sensei looked at him as if he had been sent from the gods and started asking him a million questions a minute, and Shikamaru answered them all.

After a few minutes, the ball of _something_ started being even more uncomfortable, so Naruto took his stack of documents and made a retreat towards the balcony. He sat there, in the sun, catching his breath, and then started reading. He didn't notice Shikamaru until he had already sat down next to him.

'Sorry I haven't been around,' the other said, lighting a cigarette.

Naruto had half a mind to ask for one himself.

'It's fine,' he said, even though it wasn't fine, 'you had shit on your mind. You were busy.'

'Not really. I just mourned my father.'

'That's having shit on your mind and being busy, Shika.'

Shikamaru looked up at the nickname.

'You don't look too great, Naruto.'

'Haven't been sleeping great.' He settled for a half-truth. The whole truth was way too complicated. He didn't even know the whole truth.

'The war?'

Naruto just shrugged, not wanting to lie. It didn't feel like the war. He hadn't even thought much about the war. He missed his dad. He knew that, he felt it viscerally, just like he felt Neji's absence. He hurt for Obito's stolen life, taken away by a lie. But the war wasn't the reason he wasn't sleeping great. He didn't know what was.

Shikamaru put a hand on his shoulder and said, 'Come to me if you ever need anything.'

Naruto nodded and watched him go back inside.

As if.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Naruto was looking from Kakashi-sensei to Shikamaru. He felt like he was dreaming. He didn't know what to say and how to react.

Shikamaru kept talking, 'Your help has been invaluable, but I was listening to our conversation the other day. You need a break. We're trying to prepare you for the hat, not break you before it gets to you.'

'Spent some time with your friends, Naruto,' continued Kakashi-sensei, 'take some time to catch up. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you.'

 _'You sent my friends away'_ Naruto wanted to say, but he knew it was petty. They had wanted to leave. He settled on, 'Won't you need my help here?'

They both laughed, as if Naruto offering to help was unheard of. 'No,' Shikamaru said, and although it was a word you heard almost on a daily basis, it cut through Naruto like a sword, sliced him open as a kunai would. 'However unlikely you'd think it, you don't really need an army for paperwork. You can take a break and we'll still be standing when you get back. Not promise to still be sane, but hey, still standing.'

'Are you sure?' mumbled Naruto, frowning.

Shikamaru put his hand on his shoulder, tightening his hold slightly.

'Yes, we're sure. Get some rest.'

Naruto was in a daze the whole walk to his apartment. It was like having an out-of-body experience, like he didn't belong to himself anymore. He unlocked the door, but he wasn't so sure he locked it behind himself.

Once again, he crawled into bed and tried to figure out how to learn functioning with this whole ball of _something_ that had taken permanent residence in his chest.

Tears danced in the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over.

What was wrong with him?

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He sneaked into the central library three days later, after not doing anything at all in the meantime.

There wasn't much information on the Uchiha clan, but the little Naruto could get his hands on he treasured.

In the comfort of his home, after going through every single document, he realized that he had been naïve to think he could find anything about Itachi in the public documents.

He hit the sealed Hokage Archives next. He concealed his chakra from the army of ANBU guarding the building, and came out with a whole scroll of documents and decrees.

He stared at the kill order, signed by the Sandaime Hokage and by Danzo, for a very long time.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He knew something was wrong, but he couldn't put his finger on what.

There was paper all over the apartment.

He had been sleeping in the chair, because his bed was full of drafts for a posthumous exoneration of Uchiha Itachi. The couch had designs of memorials, of statues and monuments.

When he walked into the bathroom to relieve himself, he was shocked by his own appearance. His hair was getting longer and longer. He hadn't washed it in … he couldn't remember when exactly. When he thought about it, he couldn't even remember the last time he showered.

How long has it been since he last ate?

How long has he been holing up in his apartment?

He gripped the sink so hard it broke. He was left staring at the cuts on his palms slowly heal, at the debris on the floor of the bathroom, and at his sunken empty eyes staring back at him from the mirror.

He turned right around and took the mission report completed by Itachi's shaky writing and read it once more, maybe he had missed even one detail.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

It was weird how nobody noticed the hero of the elemental nations slip through the cracks.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He was staring at his own reflection in the water. The sun was bright above his head, and warm against his skin. A second head appeared next to his.

_'Naruto.'_

He turned towards the voice.

Sasuke was looking at him, anger in his eyes.

 _'Naruto,'_ he repeated, voice sharp like a stainless steel kunai.

_'What are you doing?'_

He tried opening his mouth to talk, but no sounds came out.

_'This is not for you to see.'_

_'Stop trying to interfere.'_

_'Stop meddling in the affairs of my clan.'_

_'You're such a bother.'_

His vision swam. Somewhere in the back he could hear _Shikamaru laugh, 'No.'_

 _He was back at the gates,_ staring at Sasuke's back, like he always was.

_'See you around, Naruto.'_

_Pain._

_Pa_ in.

Pain.

Pain.

He woke up with a start, gasping for air. He fell from the chair and crawled backward until his back met the wall. His cheeks were wet, and tears were still pouring from his eyes. He tried to breathe around the godforsaken _something_ , but he couldn't he couldn't he couldn't he couldn't.

He hugged his knees to his chest, rocking slightly, now fully sobbing.

He was cold all over.

He came back to himself when the sun was halfway across the sky.

He looked around the apartment, taking note of all the filth he had been living in. What day was it? He needed to change something, fast.

He washed his face, changed his clothes and walked out.

Kakashi-sensei was surprised to see him.

'Naruto,' he said, 'how can I help you?'

He fabricated a smile from the depth of his being, ignoring the way he was slowly suffocating, the way his nails were digging into his palms. 'I'm bored, Kakashi-sensei,' he whined, jumping a bit on the balls of his feet. He needed to sell this. 'Give me a mission! Why do Sakura-chan and Sasuke-teme get missions but I don't?'

There was a moment when Kakashi-sensei smiled, and Naruto thought 'jackpot', but then he grimaced, and gestured for Naruto to sit in the other chair.

He did.

'I can't,' said Kakashi-sensei.

'What? What do you mean can't?'

The grimace deepened. 'The council took an executive decision, and I – '

Naruto saw red. 'You're still letting the council take decisions? I thought we've been over this before!' He got up and put a finger in Kakashi-sensei's face. 'What was the point, sensei! Of this whole thing! If we just keep letting those people dictate what happens to the city! Tell me! What was the point?'

Kakashi-sensei's eyes were wider than Naruto had ever seen them. He put a hand on Naruto's wrist, lowering it slowly, looking at Naruto as if he were a scared animal.

'You came up with the idea, Naruto. I thought you said it was the best option. What changed?'

Naruto deeply wished Kurama was awake during that moment, if only to punch Kakashi-sensei into the Hokage monument. But before he could say anything, the other man continued talking, 'You voted 'yes', if you remember.'

It made Naruto pause.

'What do you mean?'

Kakashi-sensei frowned. 'The election a week ago? Representatives from the civilians too? Proportional to their numbers? Every ninja clan choosing one member to be a delegate in the council? Everyone has a say, just like you wanted? No possibilities of anyone grasping all the power?'

Naruto snatched his hand from Kakashi-sensei's.

That council.

He came up with the idea in the first two weeks after the war. He had been thinking about it even longer before that.

When did it get implemented? Where had he been?

'I voted?' he asked, voice small.

'Yes. I sent you a note, and you showed up here and voted in front of everyone. Don't you remember?'

No, Naruto didn't. Shit, shit, shit. He could feel his hands sweat and his breath quicken.

He nodded fast, as to not let Kakashi-sensei figure out something was wrong. 'I'm just tired, sensei, that's all. I remember now.'

He didn't he didn't he didn't. He was losing time oh Kami he was losing time.

Kakashi-sensei looked suspicious anyway. Naruto opened his mouth again, before the other could say anything else, 'What executive decision?'

The grimace was back on his face, 'That you are too valuable right now to risk losing. Therefore, until the waters calm down, you should keep to Konoha. The alliance with the other nations is still new, and people don't trust them or their Kages. That's without adding all the smaller countries which have not been part of the Allied Shinobi Army. I have to say I agree. You've fought a war a couple of months ago. You are the hero of the continental countries. Now is not the time to risk your life. Spend some more time in the city, and after winter is over, maybe we can have this conversation again.'

The ground was slipping from beneath his feet.

He had put all his heart into that plan. He had seriously been under the impression that it had been the right thing to do. Share the power, let the people decide what they wanted.

What they wanted was him locked up, apparently.

So many thoughts were rushing through his mind. Were they scared for him, or _of_ him?

There was this voice in the back of his head whispering. _You are always going to be a weapon, never a human. You were good for fighting, but look now, they've all left or told you to leave. They will never want you, they will only want the demon, the monster, the powerful undefeatable warrior to fight their battles for them._

Unanimous vote? All his friends thought it was best to keep him locked up. He wondered how long would it be until he was truly locked somewhere deep inside the walls of T&I. He wondered if anyone would know the truth, or they'd just think he left, betrayed them, as they've always expected them to.

'Naruto?' Kakashi-sensei's voice broke through the haze.

Naruto was trembling. He couldn't breathe properly.

'Yeah, sensei, it's fine,' he forced out. He couldn't muster a smile.

'I know you're disappointed, but really, it's for – '

'The best. I know. I'm not disappointed. Listen, I have to go now. I'll see you later.'

He was out of there and across town, dry heaving in front of a very tall tree in the middle of the forest before Kakashi-sensei could respond.

It all played on repeat in his head. _Why why why whywhywhywhywhywhy._

ɷɷɷɷɷ

When he woke up, it was dark out.

It was a miracle he made it back home without anyone seeing him.

He looked at his occupied bed, tears still drying on his cheeks.

Why has he been doing this? Why was he looking for ways to clear Itachi's name? Did he think that would be enough to bring Sasuke back? Nothing ever was.

Suddenly, Naruto was blinded by rage. Rage like he had never felt before. A raw scream tore its way up his throat. He threw the chair at the wall.

Why.

Why was he feeling like this?

He pushed all the papers off the bed and tore the mattress up.

He was crying, ugly wet sobs escaping his hurting chest.

The table got overturned, the papers flying everywhere.

What was wrong with him.

Energy suddenly drained from his body, and he collapsed on the floor. He had no power anymore, not even to cry. He sat there, staring at the ceiling.

He was tired.

He was so tired.

He just wanted to sleep.

He curled on his side, in the middle of his cold, empty apartment, surrounded only by paper, half-made plans to bring his life back on track.

He closed his eyes.

He was so tired.

ɷɷɷɷɷ


	2. interlude

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Shikamaru had been busy, and to be truthful, very unmotivated to do anything. The absence of his father had left a palpable empty space in his life. His mother was bursting into tears every time she sat at the table and saw him take the place his father used to occupy.

It took him an embarrassing amount of time to get his shit together. Ino helped, like she always did, and she set an example. She took her new responsibilities in stride, without flinching in front of the doubts and the whispers.

So eventually, Shikamaru remembered the vow he made to himself, and dragged his sorry ass back to the Hokage Tower, promising to do his best to make his father and Asuma proud.

He knew, the moment he walked in, that something was wrong with Naruto.

But alas, they had fought a war. The blond had assured him it was just lack of sleep, and so Shikamaru took no more notice of the shaggy hair or the empty eyes or the dark circles. He did, however, confide in Rokudaime-sama that maybe Naruto was stretched just this side of too thin, and he surely deserved a break. Taking some time for himself, figuring out how to live his life as he did before the war.

He expected Naruto to react better to the idea. Paperwork was never his favorite pastime.

( In hindsight, maybe Shikamaru himself hadn't been in the best mindset. Because he hadn't thought about how Sasuke had spent an entirety of 36 hours in the city after being released from T&I before finding a mission and leaving. He hadn't thought about how he and Sakura were on complementary missions, in the same region, most probably traveling together. He hadn't thought about how maybe all Naruto needed was to feel useful, even in a tiny way.)

The weird thing was that after that conversation, which at the time Shikamaru had judged as satisfactory and successful, Naruto disappeared from the face of the earth. No lunches with his friends, no loud laughter on the streets.

But everyone was just so busy. Buildings were still under construction, families were still in mourning. There had been a change in leadership, which always meant paperwork on top of paperwork. And then, to top it all, some more paperwork.

He and Rokudaime-sama worked around the clock for almost two weeks before finally implementing Naruto's idea of an inclusive council. Hokage-sama himself sent a note to Naruto, who showed up on time, clean face and nice clothes, but with a haunted look in his eyes. He was the first to sign the document after the Hokage himself, and he smiled at the public and clapped when necessary and made jokes where they were appropriate. But something was off, Shikamaru just knew.

But he was busy. After the official signing, there was another signing under closed doors, and then the actual first meeting, where, strangely enough, Naruto didn't show up. Between all these fundamental changes, Shikamaru had to deal with the fallout of decades of bad decisions from the Sandaime and from Danzo, with the irrational laws Konoha had been operating under, which were so hard to change, with resistance from the older clans, with outrage from Hyuga Hiashi when he publicly showed his support for Hinata in turning the clan traditions around, with a very unwilling Hokage and with the new responsibilities of being a clan leader. There were nights during which, even if he had time to sleep, he couldn't because all he could think of were all the things he had to fix come morning.

So when he came into the office one morning, after yet another sleepless night, finding the Hokage perched on top of his desk, looking at the monument while deep in thought, Shikamaru prepared himself for yet another problem to add to his 'to-fix' list.

'What?' he sighed.

Kakashi didn't turn to face him, but his voice betrayed his worry, 'Something is going on with Naruto.'

'Something is going on with everybody, Hokage-sama. There's been a war.'

'Shikamaru,' Kakashi turned and looked him in the eye, 'I fear it might be more than that?'

'What happened?' he asked, sitting down in his own chair.

'He asked me for a mission, and I had to tell him about the council's decision. It didn't go very well.'

Shikamaru's head dropped in his hands. He had seen this coming. He had contingency plans.

'It's fine. It's normal for him to be upset. I'll give him a couple of days and I'll invite him out for dinner.'

 _If I ever find the time,_ he thought.

They left it at that.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Almost a week passed before Shikamaru both remembered and found the time. By that time, he had to admit he was beginning to be a little worried himself. The absence of blond was unusual, even if he had been upset.

His feet carried him to Naruto's apartment.

He could feel his chakra signature inside, but when he knocked, no one answered.

Neither the second time.

Shikamaru's heart started rabbiting in his chest. He forced the door open.

The apartment was dark, but in the shadows, he could see the mess. There was broken furniture, dishes all over the kitchen counter, some of them in pieces.

The whole apartment was covered in paper.

Documents, realized Shikamaru, upon a closer look. Confidential, sealed documents.

'Naruto!' he called cautiously.

No one answered.

He headed towards the bedroom door. It was slightly opened. When he pushed it further, he could see the lump beneath the blankets on the bed.

'Naruto,' he called again, softer.

The other didn't move. He didn't even give a sign he had heard Shikamaru.

Something was hanging heavily in Shikamaru's stomach as he approached the bed with slow steps.

He put an arm where he thought Naruto's shoulder should be.

'Naruto.'

Still no sign of recognition. He pulled the blanket off Naruto's head.

His eyes were glazed over, like he wasn't really there. Shikamaru's hand shook as he placed two fingers on the other's pulse point, but he already knew what he'd find. It was there. Naruto was alive, and awake, and seemingly unhurt.

He crouched down next to his head and asked, softly, 'What's wrong? Are you hurt?'

Naruto looked straight through him. His hands were clenched in the blanket, and his eyes were red-rimmed, like after crying for a very long time.

Shikamaru felt panic claw at his insides. He wanted to shake the other, to yell and call him an idiot and shove him. Anything, to get a response.

Naruto opened his mouth, but the sound that came out scared Shikamaru even more than he had already been. It was scratchy from unuse, croaky and hoarse.

'It's everywhere.'

'What's everywhere?' he whispered, voice thick.

He never got an answer.

ɷɷɷɷɷ


	3. second installment

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Sakura didn't even look at him for more than half of their journey. They were headed to the same towns, in the same order, so what should have been two different missions turned very fast into a single one, and Sakura wasn't happy about it.

Sasuke wasn't blaming her. He wasn't too fond of himself either at the moment.

Still, it made traveling quite uncomfortable. They were in the company of almost twenty medic-nins, maybe a third of what Konoha had to offer.

If anyone had asked him, he would have said he felt that this whole expedition was beyond rushed, so soon after the war. But from the way Sakura walked, confident, desperate, he figured she had wanted to get away as much as he did.

She reminded him of himself when he had left to join Orochimaru.

He was taking the silence in stride. He was like an invisible sentinel, following the group of medic-nins, all of which knew and respected each other, none of which knew or respected him. sakura was clearly the leader, and everyone was quick in following in her footsteps and giving him the cold shoulder.

It was fine. It wasn't like he had wanted to talk to them either. But he had maybe thought that he and Sakura had salvaged at least a bit of their old relationship while he was lying on that rock, waiting for her to stop him from bleeding out. He had apologized, but he knew from first-hand experience it usually wasn't enough. He just couldn't figure out if he had done something else he hadn't realized ever since being back in Konoha, or it was just old resentment, resurfacing now that there were alone, without their third teammate as a bluffer.

So yes, Sasuke was a bit disappointed that he had been under false impressions all those weeks in T&I. He wanted to fix it. He didn't want to go back to Konoha and pass by Sakura in the streets without talking. He hadn't been lying when he said to Naruto that the city had changed. He had expected despicable treatment in the dungeons, but he hadn't got it. Ibiki had been ruthless, but not cruel. He had heard of the changes the new Hokage was making, had heard of Naruto helping him, guiding Konoha into a new age. He thought he finally understood what Naruto had been saying all those years, chasing Sasuke around the world. He thought he finally understood why, and was finally ready to let himself reciprocate. He knew, now, that he would stay. For Naruto, he would stay. But first, he had to sort out his mind. He had to come to terms with what had happened to Itachi, with the sacrifices his brother had made, and the reasons he had made them for. He needed to understand that most of his life had been wasted on something that was little more than unadulterated manipulation.

He wasted his life, and somewhere in between, he also wasted Naruto's.

And, he thought as he looked at Sakura's pink head running in front of him, maybe Sakura's too.

Another apology couldn't hurt, he figured. Maybe he'll get it right this time.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

They barely stopped while crossing Fire. There was no time to talk, no time alone. Sasuke complied without complaining, but he secretly wished to reach the sea sooner, before he lost his nerve.

Then Sakura took the decision to cross the sea also, and spend the night on the first island from Water. She said there was a medic she wanted to meet, even if he didn't appear in the schedule she had received from the Hokage.

Their name and purpose had traveled faster than them, because when they got there, a crowd had already gathered. Sasuke kept his eyes straight ahead and hoped that soon his hair will be long enough to cover the rinnegan.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Their welcome was almost icy. Sasuke kept to the back of the group, trying not to capture the attention of anyone. Somehow, he still did. Sakura kept throwing him dirty looks whenever the medic-nin she was talking to drifted off to stare at him.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

It kept happening. Sasuke sneaking off to talk to blacksmiths and to teachers and to everyone he encountered, writing his reports, all while being followed by a mob. The people he was talking to stared at him, sometimes in fear, other times in awe. He kept being a bother for Sakura's mission, and by the third island, the rest of his companions started hating him too. If they hadn't already.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

On the fourth one, they got hotel rooms. They were for two persons, and somehow, Sasuke ended up sharing with Sakura. He thought maybe she was the only one not afraid of him.

He found her mumbling under her breath while sorting through her supply bag in their room. He knew she must have heard him, but he still cleared his throat to announce his presence.

She froze, then straightened her back. They stood in silence for a while, before Sasuke figured it was really now or never.

'Sakura,' he hesitated, watching her shoulders stiffen. 'I would like to talk, if you're available.'

When she turned, her eyes were stony. 'So talk.'

He took a deep breath. 'I was under the impression we had put aside our differences. If I was mistaken, I would like to use this moment to apologize once more for the harm – '

She scoffed and threw her hands up. Sasuke fell silent. That had been difficult even without the interruption, but now he really didn't think he'd be able to start talking again. Every interaction he had had since the war had been based on memory. He would think, what would nii-san say. How would nii-san say it? How would nii-san hold his body, how would he react to this?

He didn't have a template for this conversation.

Sakura paced the room a couple of times before sighing and dropping on the bed as if someone had cut her strings. She put her head in her hands and sighed once more. Sasuke was completely lost. He had half a thought to just flee, but he was trying to be better, to do better, to stop running.

(For nii-san)

Fortunately, Sakura talked first, 'We had settled our differences. But Sasuke…'

Her voice seemed almost desperate, and he was suddenly afraid he had walked into a confession he had earlier been convinced wouldn't happen.

She looked at him, and her eyes were disappointed. She pointed towards the other bed.

'Sit down.'

He sat.

'I gave up on you, Sasuke. A long time ago. Repeatedly.'

Sasuke knew that. He had never asked her to wait, or endure. He had never asked anyone for that. The fact that one person still did baffled him.

He only nodded, unsure of where the conversation was headed.

'He didn't,' Sakura continued, and _ah, that_.

He looked down at the floor, hoping she couldn't read him that well.

'Why are you here, Sasuke?'

'What do you mean? I have a mission.'

'No! I meant here, in Water, when you should be in Konoha, doing whatever silly things made you get this close to one another!' Sakura was yelling now, and rage was once again coloring her features.

'You're here too,' he countered, although it sounded weak even to his ears.

She scoffed. 'Do I have a record of abandoning the village? I didn't think so either.'

'Why are you running again? I thought there were no reasons to run anymore?'

He looked up at that, aghast. 'I'm not running,' he denied.

'Yes, you are. You are here in Wat – '

'I'm not running!'

Sakura stopped talking.

He was breathing hard, chest heaving. He could feel the phantom pain in his left arm, and he desperately wished for that tattoo to have still been there.

'I took this mission,' he breathed, 'to clear my head. It's the only one I'm planning on taking. I'm not running.'

She looked at him for a second, then she almost smiled. 'Good. I don't think he could take it one more time.'

She got up, oblivious of the way Sasuke's heart was beating in his throat.

'Naruto's very strong, you know.' She had turned her back on him once again, rummaging through her bag. 'But there's only so much a person can take. And you've always been his soft spot.'

'What do you mean?' he whispered.

'I mean you could build him, or you could break him.'

He didn't respond, but he knew, that the moment he got back, he'll do what he has to do. He's done running. It never did him any good. It never did nii-san any good. And he needed to be better. He had made a promise.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

The weeks before the New Year found them in Kiri, buried till the neck in scrolls over scrolls over scrolls of techniques. They had met with the Mizukage, and while she was visibly resisting murdering Sasuke, she seemed to really like Sakura.

He was glad. Weirdly.

He and Sakura, although they haven't been talking a whole lot, were spending more and more time together. Writing their reports next to one another. Sometimes asking for a piece of advice.

The news got to them when they were in the library the Mizukage had put at their disposal, surrounded by documents regarding an ancient style of taijutsu that Kiri had been practicing for centuries. It was quite interesting.

When Mizukage-sama walked in, both of them forgot about the scrolls.

Her face was neutral, but she was clutching a piece of paper in her hand with such force it was a wonder it hadn't ripped. When she reached them, they both stood. She passed her icy eyes over Sasuke and looked Sakura straight in the eye.

'I'm sorry to disturb your study, but Kakashi-sama wrote to you.' She handed the letter to Sakura. It had been opened.

'I'm also sorry for opening it, but it mandatory protocol that all mail from and for Kages goes through my hands.'

She looked remorseful, but Sasuke focused on Sakura's face as she read the letter, noticing how she became paler and paler.

'I can prepare for you and Uchiha-san's departure immediately. Your colleagues can finish your research.'

'Thank you,' whispered Sakura, clutching the paper to her chest. Sasuke saw her sway and grabbed her arm to stabilize her.

The Mizukage nodded, and then left swiftly. Sasuke turned to Sakura, 'What happened?'

Her eyes were in tears, and Sasuke somehow figured it out before she spoke, stomach-dropping to his knees, heart jumping to his throat.

'It's Naruto.'

'What happened to him?'

'Sensei said they think he had a mental breakdown.'

ɷɷɷɷɷ

They didn't stop. They didn't talk. They wouldn't know what to say.

Sasuke was waiting to wake up. He had had nightmares like this before. He would push Naruto away, just like he always did, and then something horrible would happen to him, and Sasuke wouldn't make it in time to save him.

He was going to wake up any minute now, on his futon in Kiri. Any minute now.

They pushed each other harder and harder. Sasuke could hear Sakura sniffing every now and then, but he didn't have the heart to comfort her in any way. He was hanging by a thread himself.

He was going to wake up.

Any minute now.

A journey that should have taken 4 days only took two. By the time the gates of Konoha were visible, they didn't even feel the exhaustion anymore.

They headed straight for the hospital.

Sakura walked right up to the nurse station, where a very young girl was standing up.

'Where is Tsunade-sama,' questioned Sakura, voice harsh.

They rushed towards the corridor the girl had pointed at.

Shikamaru was the first Sasuke laid eyes on. He was leaning against another nurse station, talking to a doctor. He looked exhausted. His legs stopped. He couldn't.

Sakura walked right up to him. when Shikamaru spotted her, he gave a sigh of relief, walking towards her.

'Hey.'

'Where is he?'

'In that room,' he said pointing behind himself.

Sakura started walking, but Shikamaru caught her arm.

'Shika, let me go,' she warned.

'He's unresponsive.'

'I'll judge for myself!'

'Sakura, listen to me!' he yelled right back. He immediately deflated. 'It's like he's not there, Sakura. It's like someone stole him and placed some sort of doll in his body. He looks straight through you!'

He was gesturing with his hands, movements frenzied.

Sasuke didn't wait any longer. He didn't want to hear another word.

He was across the room and opening the door before Shikamaru could finish his sentence.

The room was dark, curtains pulled. He could see the bed, and a human form beneath the blanket, curled into itself.

It couldn't be.

His knees were shaking.

He walked around the bed, catching a glimpse of blonde hair coming out of the blanket.

Naruto was awake. Or at least, his eyes were opened. He was staring straight at the window.

'Naruto?'

His voice was shaking. Why was his voice shaking?

'He won't answer.'

Shikamaru was standing right outside the open door. 'He's been like this for over a week. They are feeding him through the tube. He won't eat, won't move, won't respond. It's like he doesn't even know we're here. We tried everything.'

Panic was crawling across Sasuke's skin. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this scared. Was it the night his parents died?

'Did h-e,' his voice broke. He cleared his throat and tried again. 'Did he respond to anything at all?'

'Just when I found him. I asked him what happened, and he told me it was everywhere.'

'What was everywhere?'

'I have no fucking clue, Sasuke.'

In the low light of the room, Shikamaru looked even more tired as he rubbed his hand across his face.

Sasuke turned back to Naruto, ignoring the pain inside his body, ignoring the fact that he had an audience. He crouched next to him, trying to catch his eye. Shikamaru was right. Sasuke counted his breaths, trying to keep it together. He raised a shaky hand a put it over where Naruto's own lied, clutching the pillow. There was still no response.

Sasuke swallowed the knot from his throat. 'You're okay,' he whispered, ignoring the curious glance from Shikamaru and the way his own voice was breaking on every word. 'You'll be okay. I'm not leaving you. I'm not going anywhere.'

ɷɷɷɷɷ

The cafeteria of the hospital was absolutely huge, but still, Sasuke felt as if the walls were closing in on him. He stayed motionless, seated on one of the chairs against the wall, looking at his hands, one real and one fake. He knew people were talking around him. He could vaguely hear Sakura yell something at someone, but it all felt very unimportant right then.

A mental breakdown, Kakashi had named it in the letter.

Naruto's chart was naming it differently, not as nicely. A psychotic break.

Multiple possible causes: post-traumatic stress disorder from the war, a sense of unfulfillment now that things were settling down, a feeling of uselessness. Normal things for a shinobi coming back from war to experience. Kakashi's father went through it. Thinking about made Sasuke's blood run cold.

Some of the specialist medic-nins said that sometimes there's no reason at all, it just happens. He will bounce back eventually.

Was this what Sasuke was supposed to be doing? Sitting by his bedside day in and day out, waiting to be recognized? Waiting for Naruto to want to live again?

'Sasuke?'

His head popped up, turning to Kakashi.

'Did you hear what we said?'

Sakura was gone, he noticed. When had she left?

'Sasuke?'

'I'm sorry?' he said, turning his attention back to Kakashi.

'You should go get some rest,' said the older man.

'I'm fine.'

It was an automatic response, and no one in the room was fooled. He wanted to get back up and go see Naruto. Push him around a bit, maybe. Call him an idiot, if that didn't work. Confess.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

The next few days passed in a blur. He spent his days in the hospital, standing stoically next to Naruto's bedside for as long as he could, then, when he couldn't take it anymore, he took refuge to the roof, breathing harshly, trying to hold it together.

Sakura joined him whenever she could.

The first time, she said what the doctors are doing isn't good, it isn't right.

Sasuke yelled at her that at least they were doing something.

She left crying.

The next time she brought a decaying piece of paper she had stolen from the Mizukage's library. The basis for her accusations, she had called it. Sasuke was shaking as he looked at it.

He threw it back at her.

Next time, she just sat down next to him and held his hand. Or maybe he held hers.

Naruto wasn't getting better.

He showed up at her doorstep on the evening of day number three.

'Tell me what you meant when you said that what the doctors are doing isn't good,' he said when she opened the door.

Neither slept that night, not that they had the previous ones.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

'Slow down,' Kakashi muttered, eyes closed, half of his face hidden in his hands.

'It won't just go away, sensei!' repeated Sakura, showing Kakashi her research. 'People have struggled with this before and it doesn't just go away, they need help, therapy and medication and a support system and all that. The doctors are just keeping him alive, sensei. They aren't making him better. Let me help.'

Kakashi looked at Sasuke. 'What do you think?'

'That she's right.'

Sakura almost smiled at that.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

They imported the drug, because Konoha didn't have anything even remotely similar. Sasuke stood in his chair, holding a hand that wasn't holding back as Sakura administered the first dose.

They had expected immediate results. They hovered around the hospital room for hours, hoping for improvement.

They were wrong.

Sakura didn't give up, so Sasuke didn't either.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He let Sakura keep watch the next day as he went to Naruto's apartment.

The door was open.

He kept his jaw clenched while walking through the debris. There were so many pieces of paper. He picked one up and when he saw what was on it, he dropped it again.

It was _Itachi_. A drawing of Itachi, wearing a blindfold, with outstretched arms and ravens on his arms, one higher on his shoulder, and one near his wrist. There had been writing beneath the drawing, but it had been erased.

He picked up another piece of paper. A draft, with crossings and rewritten lines, of something that sounded awfully similar to an exoneration. It had his brother's name on it.

He sorted through all the papers carefully, tears in his eyes, but never spilling over. This is what he had been doing, ever since Sasuke left. He had been looking for ways to clear his brother's name.

He found the kill order, with underlined and circled passages, with almost uncomprehensible notes in the margins. Had Naruto even been conscious of what he was doing? Had he even been lucid?

Sasuke crumbled to the floor in the middle of Naruto's apartment, and actually cried for the first time since finding out the truth about his brother.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He cleaned the apartment before leaving. He put new sheets on the bed, bought groceries, washed the dishes, did the laundry.

He placed almost all of Naruto's work neatly in an empty cupboard.

He took the drawing with him.

When he got to the hospital, he stopped in his tracks in the doorway of Naruto's room.

Sakura was nowhere to be found.

Naruto was facing the door.

He was sleeping.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Naruto moved again during the night. Not as drastically, but still visible. Trying to keep watch for any other movement, Sasuke fell asleep. He woke up at dawn. Naruto had rolled towards the window again.

Sasuke's eyes widened.

He was awake.

He was staring straight at Sasuke.

He felt like he could cry.

He moved slowly, as to not scare him. He put his hand close to Naruto's but not touching. 'Hey,' he whispered.

'Are you real?' Naruto whispered back.

Sasuke felt his throat close. 'Yes,' he forced out.

'You came back?' Naruto's voice sounded the worst kind of hopeful, so small and pitiful, something Sasuke had never heard from him before.

 _Fuck it,_ he thought.

He took Naruto's hand and dragged his chair close enough to be able to lean his upper body on the bed from a single move. Naruto was looking at their intertwined hands like he thought it was a dream. Sasuke dragged his hand through Naruto's matted hair.

'I'm not leaving.'

ɷɷɷɷɷ

They took it easy.

Sasuke was always there, no matter what. The nurse brought him another bed, but he refused. He wanted to sleep where he could feel Naruto close to him.

Sakura dropped by, always dressed in scrubs, always with the excuse to check Naruto's vitals. Kakashi was allowed, because no one could tell the Hokage no, but he didn't abuse that permission. Shikamaru only came to visit once, a visit during which he stared at Naruto for so long Sasuke was getting ready to tell him to leave. But then he bent over, ruffled Naruto's hair, which was an impossible feat, smiled and then left.

Every morning, Sasuke saw the moment Naruto went from thinking it was a dream to knowing everything was real. Day by day, he stopped being so surprised to always find Sasuke there.

Sasuke buried his heartache somewhere deep inside himself, and only smiled.

They didn't talk almost at all. Naruto was still unwilling to do most things, like eat and get out of bed. He slept a lot. But when he was awake, he was always looking at Sasuke, and Sasuke took this as the biggest win.

No other friends were allowed to visit. So they spent their days in almost complete silence, only with some interruptions from Sasuke about what he was reading that day.

And Naruto, slowly but surely, got better.

One day, he smiled when Sasuke hit his foot on the corner of the table. He felt like he could defeat another Kaguya right then the whole day. He wanted to hit his foot again only to see Naruto smile again.

Then he pushed himself up on his arms when the nurse came to change his IV, and asked, in a very hoarse voice, for some solid food. Sasuke had to excuse himself to go smile at his own reflection in the mirror for ten minutes.

Next, he wanted a shower. Then, he told Sasuke to change the TV program. The next day, he told him to bring some more manga.

They still didn't talk much, but Naruto smiled almost every day now, and he had even started walking.

And for Sasuke it was more than enough.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

After he got even better, and he started seeing his friends, he also started to get worse.

He asked Sasuke one day, 'Why do you stay here all day?'

Sasuke simply turned towards him and asked, 'Do you want me to leave?'

Naruto didn't respond, but he was in a horrible mood the whole day.

'There are side effects, Sasuke,' Sakura had told him. 'There will be good days, and bad days, and days that start good but end badly. Recovery isn't linear.'

Naruto remained moody for close to a week. He was walking on his own, and even if he still hadn't left the hospital room, he dragged a chair next to the window and he spent most of his day there.

He was getting better, and it was easier and easier to see. But there were still marks. Like how much weight he had lost, and his hair, which was so long right now you could probably tie it.

Sasuke never commented. Not on anything Naruto did, or how he dressed or acted.

'Why are you like this?' asked Naruto one day, when it was much closer to spring than winter, slamming his book shut.

Sasuke prepared himself before answering 'Like what?'

'Like that,' exclaimed the blond. 'You never say anything! I literally can do anything, anything that would normally piss you off, and you still wouldn't say anything!'

'Would you rather I did?' asked Sasuke calmly.

It was, apparently, the wrong thing to say, because tears erupted from Naruto's eyes.

Sasuke panicked. Shit. He hadn't really seen Naruto cry before, and the situation was heading south very fast. Naruto placed a hand against his own chest, shaking under the weight of his sobs.

Sasuke just acted.

He climbed into the bed, grabbing Naruto's hands and dragging him forward until he collapsed against Sasuke's chest, shaking into his shirt. Sasuke started breathing louder, trying to give him something to use to ground himself. He was rubbing Naruto's writs with his fingers and was holding back his own tears, and Kami above, all Sasuke wanted was for this to be over over over hadn't the poor kid suffered enough please stop his pain.

Eventually, Naruto calmed down.

'This,' he whispered in Sasuke's shirt.

'What this?' he asked, rubbing Naruto's neck.

'I wish you'd stop pitying me.'

His hand froze. 'I don't pity you, Naruto.'

'Then why are you still here? I'm all fine now, I won't go nuts again I promise.'

Sasuke tutted, resuming his petting. 'You're not crazy.'

'Sure.'

He grabbed Naruto's shoulders and pulled him up until their eyes met. 'You're not crazy,' he said again, letting the words burn his throat, his lips, his eyes, until they were imprinted there forever. 'And I'm here,' he continued, 'not because I pity you, but because when you hurt, I hurt, and all I want to do is take some of your burdens so it will be easier.'

He let his hand slide from Naruto's neck to his cheek.

'I don't want you to decide to stay because of this,' the blonde said, gesturing to the hospital room around them.

'I had decided to stay before I knew of this,' Sasuke responded honestly.

Naruto's lips tasted like tears and the medicine he took and blood from the wounds that wouldn't heal inside his mouth from the drugs.

Sasuke ate it all up.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! its posted all at the same time, but for aesthetic reasons, there are three chapters.  
> its 31 of december, 2:48 am where im living, so this year is gone and im glad  
> it was hard on me, just like it was on most people.  
> take care of yourself and your loved ones, always wear your mask, and here's to a hopefully better year!  
> happy new year!!
> 
> kudos and comments pay my bills now because the government refuses to give me the means to do it myself


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